I Pick My Poison
by goldenqueenx
Summary: Regina is pining after Gold and drinking her way through as much alcohol Storybrooke and all of the realms can provide. Attempt at hilarity. / Prompt: "Drunk Regina wants Gold so badly and she annoys everyone in storybrook season by season? " / GOLDENQUEEN.
1. Chapter 1

Prompt: "Drunk Regina wants Gold so badly and she annoys everyone in storybrook season by season?"

Rated M because I prefer this rating. There might be sex or sexual acts or just a lot of cussing and drunk whining. We'll see!

Characters in this chapter: Emma, Ruby, Regina. Mentioned Gold, bookworm.

 **Season One: After Finale  
**

* * *

Regina kicked off her shoes, leaning back and placing the bottle of apple brandy between her legs, the cool glass on the bottle sending a chill up her spine. A pout played at her lips as she began to move her feet, stretching her toes - the sensation relaxing. She had been here for longer than she could even remember, having thought it would be a nice place to get lost with her bottle - only to find out that drinking alone at here is just as bad as drinking alone at home.

Magic had come to Storybrooke all thanks to Gold and his drive to continue a power play with her, the notion alone that Belle would even remember who she was made her skin crawl. She had locked her away for a reason and a very good one at that. "Can I get you something to drink? Like coffee?" Ruby had walked up to where Regina sat on the floor of Granny's diner, back against the counter. "I think you should sober up a little.."

"Me? Sober up a little?" She cackled, one of the laughs that belonged to the Evil Queen and it felt good, it felt like biting into a delicious red apple for the first time and allowing it's nectar to run down your chin. _Fuck_ ; she was getting more aroused than she was just seconds ago. "Funny for you to say, you're not in a constant battle for power with your teacher. Not to mention when he wears leather pants the entire time he teaches you...it's really hard to learn anything." She brought the bottle up to her lips and took a generous sip, allowing the liquid to sooth her buzzing frame. "Coffee can't help me. Coffee could never even touch ANYTHING that I'm feeling. Now if you don't mind, go the fuck away or I'll...I'll.." She held out her palm and conjured up a flame, it flickered a few seconds and then fizzled out. "You get the gist. Scram!"

Ruby sighed and headed towards a booth to take someone's order, muttering something about evil queens and getting what they are due under her breath.

Regina ignored it, as she always had done when any peasant tried to make her feel bad. That was something Rumple taught her. A whine rose up in her throat as she furrowed her brow and hugged the bottle closer. "Dumb imp. Getting his bookworm back. I want to flay her alive. I want to rip her flesh from her bones and pluck her like a chicken." Stumbling, she pushed herself up onto her bare feet and bound out of the diner and onto the road, not the sidewalk. She hadn't even realized someone was behind her until she heard a honk, glancing back she caught sight of the yellow bug. "Emma!" She walked up to the hood and began to messily climb onto it, raising herself up near the windshield and giving it a tap then three, vigorously losing count. "Emma! I need you to take me to see the green man. I need to see that vile malevolent imp. Emma! Emma, can you hear me? Don't act like you can't, I know you can. I'm loud enough to wake the whole street!" She screamed out, glancing around as if begging someone to test her tonight. "Emma! Emma go on, I'll hold on tight." She turned then and gripped onto the mirror nearest the drivers side, blocking Emma's view. The blonde climbed out of the bug and put her hands on her hips.

"Are you serious? Get off of the hood, Regina. Now."

"I want to go to the imp. I can't walk, I have no shoes."

"Why do you want to go to Gold's? Isn't his shop close anyway?"

"I need to go to his house, Emma. His house. Not the shop."

"Regina, you're drunk, I don't think that would be a good idea." The blonde could practically get drunk off of the smell alone pouring from the mayor. "I need to take you home."

"If you won't take me, I'll walk then. You're supposed to be the savior, you're supposed to save people, in order to save me you have to take me to him. I need to show him exactly how much power I have so he'll want to play the games we used to play. Oh Emma, we used to have so much fun. I'm talking crumbling castles fun, burning villages to the ground after fucking like animals. I'm talkin-"

"I-I get it, Regina. You fucked Gold. Gross, ugh, he's a villain."

"I'm a fucking villain!"

"I'm not letting anyone see you like this." Emma took out her handcuffs and placed them along the brunette's wrists, pulling her off of the hood and helping her into the backseat of the yellow bug. "I'm taking you to the station."

"I always wanted to try handcuffs with Rumple but he preferred shackles. The chains were harder to break."

"How did you even know that handcuffs existed?"

"He had some from a realm I had no idea was this one. I used to love looking at his collection. He had a large estate." The chuckle that echoed from the backseat was unmistakably from the innuendo she had made.

"I don't want to know-"

"Emma. Emma. Emma. I'm talking huge. Not like Graham. No. No. Nnnnnooo. Not at all like Graham. That estate of his knows how to pull out all of the stops and I'm not talking actually pulling out, Emma, you don't want him to pull out because when it rains it pours. You know what I mean?" Regina had begun kicking the back of Emma's seat as she vocalized her "huh, huh,huhs"

"Yeah. I get it, Regina. I don't want to, but I do."

"And you know...I'd never had anyone fuck me in the ass before, but Emmaaaaa." She groaned, moving her legs and trying to squeeze her thighs as hard as possible to alleviate some of the throbbing going on between them. "..oh God! It was phenomenal. You know, he said no one had ever let him fuck them there? He'd always wanted to try and ohhhh" The noise emitting from her chest was more akin to a growl now as she fell over in the seat, rubbing her cheek against the leather seats and imagining it as his lap. "...did we try. Again and again and again."

"Sounds like you need to have some personal time instead of wandering the streets trying to find someone who is taken, Regina."

"Pshh. I tried that. Twice at home, once outside of his shop - he wasn't there, and a third at the diner. Not nearly as earth shattering as the ones he brings me to. And magic is back, Emma. It's back and he has the upper hand and I want the upper hand but if it makes him as horny as it does me - he can have it. He can have ALLLLL of it."

Emma pulled over at the station, climbed out of the bug, opened the backdoor, gripped Regina by the arm and pulled her out onto her feet.

"Can you call him? Tell him I've been taken in...put behind bars and shackled? Oh he'd like that. He'd be here before I could say Rumple...Rumplestiltskin."

"Good to know. And no, I'm not calling him." Emma guided her into a cell, removed the handcuffs and closed the door. Heading towards the door, she called back over her shoulder "Use the time to sober up, Mayor. I'll be back in the morning."


	2. Chapter 2

Note: I do not own OUAT.

Also: THANK YOU to all who are leaving feedback on this! I am so glad it's causing laughter and the like.

Characters in this chapter: Emma, David, Snow, Henry, Hook and Regina. (GOLD in BONUS) Mentioned: Gold, Bookworm.

 **Season Two; after episode 21.**

If the season by season is enjoyed enough, I might think on doing an episode by episode (or every two or so on episodes) fanfic of drunk Regina. It really is a lot of fun to write out.

* * *

Regina had torn the place apart in order to find three bottles of whiskey, which were completely full the second she locked her sights on them. The Snowing family had no idea how to treat their booze. Not to worry; Regina thought, she could take care of the bottles for them, show them exactly what leaving good stuff like this around gets them.

Only to find out, it tasted like shit. Clearly not a top shelf brand, but she downed it anyway.

She pushed herself off of the floor and plopped herself onto the couch, belly first. She clung onto the third bottle and brought it to her lips, taking a few swigs before the door opened and she groaned. "It's about time, I need more whiskey!"

"Oh God, no. Regina this is not the time." Emma stated, striding over to the stairs and putting her head in her hands. Clearly remembering the last binge the former Evil Queen went on.

"Not the time for?" Snow had strode in just in time to catch the last bit. "Emma what's wrong?"

The blonde looked up at her mother as her father entered the room, a look of concern on his features the second he caught a glimpse of his daughter's tear stained face. "Neal is dead. I don't know how to tell Henry."

"Have you two..four..." Regina glanced up over the back of the sofa, her eyes squinting as she tried to make out the figures in the room. "Seen Gold?"

"Regina, Emma needs us right now, do you mind?" Charming held a hand up to try and give her the hint to be quiet.

"Of course Emma needs you both, Snowfluff and Charmingless. But no, forget the girl who was TORTURED for hours on end by some device I've never even heard of and let me tell you it wasn't by the hands of that delicious imp. If it were I would be practically dripping right now."

"What?" Snow's mouth fell open in shock at the words she was hearing.

"She's apparently some sort of sexually eager Dark One fangirl when she's drunk." Emma sighed, pushing herself onto her feet then striding up to her parents. "Why did you two keep booze in the house anyway? Especially with her here?"

"We weren't aware she had a problem." David admitted. Although by the look Snow had shot him, it made Emma think differently.

"Oh I have a problem, alright." Regina wedged the bottle between the cushions and her arm as her hands pulled and pushed herself along the couch, still on her stomach, her legs sliding open as she reveled in the sensation the action was doing to her frame. "It's that damn imp and the one who literally can't remember her name. You know he did that to me once. Fucked me so good I couldn't remember my name. Hell, I was a bumbling mess that night, I even gave a peasant a flower. A FUCKING FLOWER. The Evil Queen bestowing such a gift on someone so undeserving and youuuuuuu" She rolled over then, gripping the bottle and putting it between her legs. "Snowfluff, you were their favorite. They loveeeed you. They adoreeedd you and what did I get? The best fucking sex of my life. I bet Charmingless over here even wants the dark one. He's made deals with him, I know that for a fact. Yes, I do. And no one goes through life without that need,that burning-"

"Regina, I'm cutting you off." David began walking towards the couch when he stopped at the sight of a fireball floating high in the air as the mayor shot him a glare that all but sent cold water along his frame.

"Try it and you'll find out how it feels to have a bottle rammed so far up your ass, you won't be able to get it out."

"That's a little harsh." Emma stated, trying to shake the disturbing image out of her head.

"Harsh? You want harsh, Savior?" Regina staggered to her feet, hand clutching the bottle as if it could keep her steady. "Harsh is when you keep someone trapped then they get out. THEN they take your imp and make him into some bumbling softy even if he did talk Snow into killing my mother..." She hiccuped then, but regained her composure in a flash. "THEN said bookworm gets their memory erased by some fucking pirate who by the way is not worth trusting, he fucked me. Not really, but he did. He fucked me over in the cruelest of ways, it's his fault I was there. That I was on that table in that room and wait what was I saying?"

"Harsh" Emma answered, shaking her head and giving her parents an apologetic look.

"Right. My Mother is DEAD! All thanks to the girl who saved me. And don't think I don't know how you did it. Gold gave you my tear. I overheard you three talking when I was practically lobotomized."

"Yes, he did." Snow admitted, crossing her arms over her chest. "You should be happy that he was willing to help us."

"Help US!? No,no,nonononono. He helped me. Because he knows I needed him and he wouldn't give me the satisfaction of being tied up the second he came into that room. You know what he would have done? Do you know?"

"Oh boy." Emma sighed, turning on her heels and taking a seat on the stairs.

"I don't think I want to know." David said wanting more than anything to be excluded from this narrative.

"Emma knows. Emma knows exactly. He would have tortured me and touched me and oh boy, I would have beggged, I would have begged over and over again." Regina made her way past Snowing, giving them both a glare that could also be mistaken for lust before she settled herself beside Emma on the stairs, her head resting against the blondes shoulder. "And Emma, it would have been glorious. It would have been perfect. It would have been..." The noise she made reminded Emma of that cowardly lion trying to act tough in The Wizard Of Oz. "I need him. I need you three...four...to take me to him, like now. That bookworm turned tart of his is practically me. Getting wet over him being himself, his evil delicious self and ohhhh"

"Okay, that's enough. Henry will be here any second." Snow interjected, holding up.a hand in protest.

"Henry! Henry, I would love to see Henry. He looks like Gold and I, he does."

"No he doesn't. He's literally MY kid."

"Nope, he's mine and Gold's. He got him for me. IT was a gift. HE was a gift. Because he cares. And Emma, Emma, Emma.." She tapped the savior's shoulder once, twice, she lost count. "He loves me."

"Who? Henry or Gold?"

"They both do in their own ways." Regina was quick to answer before sliding her back against the savior and bringing the bottle to her lips. "They do and we can be a happy family. If it weren't for you meddling kids. Wait-" She held up a finger and giggled loud enough to wake the whole town. "-THATS SCOOBY DOO. Snowfluff can be Velma. Emma you can be the dog since you sniff around too much and Gold can be shaggy. Get it, get it" Regina thrust her elbow out, nudging nothing but air as she said her 'huh,huh,huhs' Then brought the bottle to her lips, draining the rest of the amber liquid inside. At that moment Henry entered the room and Regina shot up before anyone could stop her and went to him. Her hands dropping the bottle on her way and gripping him high on the arms, bending slightly she leveled her eyes with him. "Henry. Henry. I'm your Mom. You know that." The poor kid looked from Emma to Snowing and back to Regina, concern in his eyes. "And your dad is dead, Henry. He's gone and he's not coming back and you have to help me find Gold so we can be a family."

"What?"

"Darn it." Snow said, walking up behind Henry and pealing him out of Regina's grasp, "Let's talk about this upstairs, Henry."

"DAMN IT. Can you not say it Snowfluff? Goodness, it's just a word. Henry do you want some Whiskey? It always helps."

"REGINA! He's-he's a kid!" Emma screamed in protest, striding over to the brunette and giving her a stern look.

"But Emma. Emma." She turned to her then and began thrusting a finger in her direction. "He's hurting and he needs to feel good, so go run to the shops and get some whiskey and I'll drink enough for him and I so he doesn't have to taste the vile shit you three...four...five are pushing as alcohol."

"No. I'm not getting you alcohol, Regina. You need to stop. Go lay down on the couch or something."

"But Emmaaaaaaa" She whined, stomping her bare feet against the floor, having forgone shoes once more because the sensation her feet were currently having not being confined was relaxing. "I neeeed it." Snow hurried Henry upstairs to give him a very needed talk until Emma could go over the details with him. "I neeeed it so bad, you have no idea,I need it nowww."

Emma glared at her, mouth twitching at the ends. "No!"

"Then call Gold. He can help. He can help out in the hallway or on the sidewalk or in the alleyway, I don't care, I need it."

"Not happening." Emma turned but Regina gripped her arm and pulled her to her chest, hands running through the blondes hair in a messy manner meant to be comforting.

"Shh, shhh,shhh. There there, everything will be fine. You know, he is okay. He will be okay where he is because he's a good guy, Emma, he's good. Are you listening? Are you listening to me, Emma? Emma?" The blonde nodded, rolling her eyes. "Well, he's okay. And if he's not then you can drink and it will make you better. Make you feel better you know, Emma. it will and there is nothing like drinking, nothing at all like it. There's this one drink in another realm that they make, it's hard to get, Gold got it for me once and we drank it and let me tell you. It makes your clit feel like a carnival. That sounds strange, but it does and I have never wanted Gold to get tickets for that place more in my life right now. My vagina is on fire, Emma. It is and I need him to put it out, if you know what I mean. Put out the fire. With his hose."

"Oh God, Regina, please shut up." Emma begged, the mayor holding her face so tight against her chest that she could barely move her mouth.

David groaned painfully as he stood there, all but forgotten by the two of them until that moment. Regina turned with Emma still clutched to her chest tight, a smile tugging on her lips. "You like that don't you David? Have a taste for the imp, huh? I knew it. I pegged you for dark one the minute I saw you sending Snowfluff the google eyes."

"I think you mean google..y."

"Maybe but David, David...listen David." Pulling Emma with her, she walked up to him, eyes wide as a doe. "I need you to know that you have bad taste in alcohol but great taste in imps. He would rock your world. And let me talk to you about anal."

"Please don-"

"SHHH!" She spat in his direction, bringing herself and Emma closer to the towering man. "Have you ever followed a rabbit down a hole, David."

"I-"

"SHH!" She ran a hand lovingly through Emma's blonde hair, as if she were petting the sheriff. "Let me tell you he can. Gold can follow a rabbit down a hole as farrrrrrrr as you need and when he FINALLY gets close, you will never want anything more in your life, David and there's a wonderful feeling in being late late for a very important date, if you know what I mean."

"I really don't kno-"

"SHHH!" Her fingers gripped Emma's hair with passion, curling around the strands and tugging. She ignored the groan from the blonde and the look of confusion on David's face. "You can come to the tea party. If you bring me. Just know I get the seat first, I get the first taste of the tea."

"Regina, this is ridicu-"

"SHH!" She let go of the blonde, Emma pulling back and trying but failing to get her hair to settle against her head the way it was before. "Where was I?"

"The couch!" Emma groaned, thrusting her finger in the direction of the sofa.

"Right..." Regina purred, stepping over the broken glass on her way back to where she had been. Plopping down on her belly again, she began to push and pull herself along it once more, practically buzzing at the sensation. "...Every surface is Gold, you know. Every single surface. HE has the Midas touch. OH! Another reason you might like it, Charmingless..."

"I'm going to go up there and talk to Henry, you take care of her." Emma instructed as she began to ascend the staircase, the second she heard David try to protest she shot back "Oh no, I had to do this once, I'm not dealing with her again. Not to mention the last time I left her alone, she burnt down the entire police station."

"You know how Gold got that tear from me?" She all but purred while writhing against the cushions, ignoring Emma's statements.

"I really don't want to kno-"

"SHH!" Regina curled her toes as she remembered the moment. "He found out I was ticklish during one of our chained fiascos. He didn't let up until I was crying and then he fucked me so hard that they dried up. Dried right the fuck up but you know what wasn't dry, David? Do you, do you, do you David?"

"Regina, shut up."

"Oh you know." Lifting her head she tried then to wink in his direction, completely failing at the act.

/./

BONUS: On a boat!

Regina made her way shakily onto the deck, two bottles of rum in her hands. "You know, I never do Rum but on an occaision like this.." She hiccuped having spent a good hour below deck before resurfacing. "Rumple, Gold, my beautiful imp, my green man, my magical bean." Regina leaned against the side of the boat, swigging rum down her throat harder than she even cared to admit, imagining it as something completely different.

"Oh God! Really, Regina? You had to find his alcohol at a time like this?" Emma all but yelled out above the pouring rain and lashing waves.

"What better time? Gold is here. When he threatened captain guy liner hook for a hand, I couldn't deny the call of Rum. I had to find it and sure enough, guyliner had plenty on deck."

"We're on deck Regina. The rum wasn't up here."

"I know that, Emma!" She hissed, thrusting a jug of rum in Gold's direction. "Drink and be darkly?" Her own little twist on merry and she hoped he would catch on, only it didn't sound as suave to the others as it did to her, emboldened by the alcohol coursing through her frame. "Did you see how I held onto that rope, Gold? You remember me holding onto rope..don't you? I know exactly how to...tug and.." Her words were leaving her brain as she tried to remember what metaphor she was reaching. "Oh fuck it, we're all adults. I can jack you, dark one. I can jack you really hard on that very very large beanstalk of yours." Hadn't she intended on leaving the metaphors behind? Oh hell.

"I'm busy Regina." He groaned, trying to help with the ship on the churning ocean waters.

"I can see that, sweet dark prince but... I can be busy too." She downed the rest of one jug and tossed it overboard. "With my hands. Right Emma?" She turned to the blonde, a pleading look in her eyes. "Emma knows. She knows all about my time with the dark one. Or at least some of them. Tell him how much I like it in the hull or is it the stern? I'll take it anywhere!" She turned then and fell to her knees, thrusting the jug between her thighs and wrapped her arms around Gold's leg like a rope. "Emmaaaaaa, back me up, talk to him, tell him!"

"He can hear you, Regina! I don't have to-"

"SHH!" She hissed, a whine making it's way up her throat as she squeezed his leg in her embrace. "Tell him, tell him, Emma, Emma are you listening to me? Emma tell him. Tell him. Charmingless you tell him! We made that deal remember? The tea party."

"What?" Gold hissed, shooting David a confused look that also seemed like he was going to flay him alive.

"I-I-I have no idea what she's talking about." He quickly stammered.

"I can't believe we're here. And Belle is back in Storybrooke. That gives us time, dark prince. Sweet imp. Vile demon man."

"Get up, Regina." Gold begged, trying to shake her off of him only to feel her tighten her grip as her tongue shot out and slid up his pant leg. "Now."

"But but this is the time we have. That bookworm is awake now and you kissed her and I felt anger in my heart, Gold. I want to flay her, please please please let me Gold. Gold, gold,gold, dark prince, sweet man, devil prince." Her words were slurring as she nuzzled her face against the fabric of his trousers. "I've waited so long."

"Aye, alright, love." Killian reached down and began trying to wrench the mayor from the dark one's person. She kicked and screamed and began yelling in some language he couldn't understand. The second he got her free, he sat her down on the middle of the deck and gave her his best threatening glare.

"You think your guyliner stare can make me tremble? Huh, pirate?" She growled, eyes bright with rage at having been pulled from the object of her affection. She glanced around Hook to shoot Gold something that resembled lust, her tongue snaking out along her top lip, then focused her attention back to the pirate.

"How could you want that crocodile, aye? Plenty of fish in the sea, lass."

"Yes but he's the shark and I want him to devour me. Every single inch, I want those razor sharp teeth to dig into my.." She glanced again around Hook at her dark prince standing, hands wrapped around rope. "..tender and soft flesh.." Then bringing her gaze back to the pirate she hissed "And if you do anything like that again..your hand won't be the only appendage of yours to be replaced by a fucking hook!"

He stepped back at that, the sheer look of darkness building in her eyes caused him to shoot his hands up in protest. "At that, she is all yours." He glanced at Emma and Snowing.

"They can't handle me. The only one who can is-" A cloud of purple smoke engulfed her frame and eyesight, before she found herself tied to one of the wooden pillars. "YES! YES! I love being tied up."

Gold groaned, shaking his head as a smirk played on his lips. She needed to stay there until he could make his exit from the boat, to give everyone else something to look after while he set out on his own mission.


	3. Chapter 3

Note: I do not own OUAT.

Also: THANK YOU to all who are leaving feedback on this! I am so glad it's causing laughter and the like.

Characters in this chapter: Emma, David, Snow, Hook, Zelena, Gold and Regina.

 **Season 3, Episode 16.**

* * *

The noises coming from upstairs was enough to make Emma want to high tail it out of there as fast as possible, but instead she prodded on. The text she had gotten from Regina had seemed urgent. Ascending the stairs, she peered through the bedroom door only to find Regina writhing around on her bed with what looked to be... a pillow? "Regina?"

"Oh! Finally! You're here!" She tried to get off of the bed gracefully, only to fall onto the floor and start practically crawling towards the blonde, pillow safely tucked between her legs still. "I need your help. I need you to help me get this.." She glanced around only to come up empty when she couldn't locate the item. "I had it! Damn it. Emma, Emma, help me find a bag, it's a little stringy draw thing and it's important."

"Are you talking about the bag with your heart in it?"

"How did you know? Can you read minds now? Oh my gosh Emma you have to teach me, I want to know Rumple's every thought. He wouldn't teach me when I wanted to learn back in the Enchanted Forest, he only avoided my constant begging by putting something in my mouth." The brunette gave a cheeky smile to the blonde, eyes wide and glistening.

"Fuck me, Regina. Are you seriously drunk AGAIN?!"

"Do you know what it's like being drunk without a heart in your chest?"

"No, but I bet you're going to tell me."

"It's like getting face fucked without a heart inside of your chest. Rumple once pulled that throbbing thing out- my heart but also his dick-and he literally fucked me without a heart in my chest and when you no longer have any feelings, like I did with my complete adoration of him, it's the best fucking thing in the world. Emma, Emma, Emmaaaaaaaaa" She rolled over onto her back then and squeezed the pillow tight between her legs.

"That pillow doesn't match the others." Emma noted, for a reason to just avoid the subject Regina was currently bringing up.

"Of course it doesn't! It's Gold's! I snatched it up when that bookworm was out doing whatever little innocent thing she does that always grates on my nerves. I even stole his cologne. Emma, do you know what it was like to think he was gone for good? Do you know? Do you know?"

"Regina, why don't you take a nap and you'll feel better in the morning."

"It felt like I was being ripped apart from each fucking limb. And the orgasms? Yeah, I had to down whiskey after whiskey just to have a decent one. But if I wanted a REALLY MIND BLOWING ONE, I pulled my heart out. That reminds me..."

"Oh no, no, why don't we find your heart instead? I thought you left it with Robin?"

"How did you know!?"

"You told me last night."

"I must have been drunk."

"You're drunk now!"

"No, I am not!"

"Yeah, I'm leaving." Emma stated and turned on her heel, only to literally fall the second Regina grasped her ankle and pulled. She caughter herself with her hands and tried but failed to wrench her leg away from the brunette who had then began to slowly climb up her body, pillow falling from her thighs as she tugged it up with her - placing it between their bodies the second she reached Emma's face. "Please don't tell me you've been fucking that pillow all day."

"I haven't. I fucked a few other things before I fucked the pillow, which reminds me. Zelena has my sweet baby in a cage, Emma. Do you know what all you can do in a cage, Emma? You can do a lot of things in a cage. Including fucking, including really rough fucking and let's just talk about anal for a second."

"Wow, anal again?" Emma tried to shift to no avail, the scent of Regina and Gold hung heavy between them as if his pillow had been doused with both his cologne and her perfume. "Regina, I can't find your heart like this."

"Shh!" She began to pet The sheriff as if she were a cat, then whispered "I want to steal the dagger and release Rumple so we can fuck Zelena over, not really, by fucking on that ugly farm house lawn — this time really."

"Regina, that's not going to get us anywhere."

"Yes it will because when she gets angry after we're both done fucking, we can just rip her heart out and kill her or some shit or flay her. I love to play with fire."

"Clearly."

"Emma, Emma, Emma, you have to help me. You have to help me right now, we have to find my heart, if Zelena gets her green little paws on it, I'll be toast or something slightly better. Toast is just really dry bread isn't it? It's such a boring thing, toast and why do I have it for breakfast so often? I wonder if Gold likes Toast..."

"Regina!"

"What was I saying?"

"You were going to get off of me."

"Get off ON you? Emma, that's really a bold move on your part. Talking to a taken woman like that. I mean don't get me wrong, I've often wondered what you would taste like or feel like beneath me or against my lips or even just to smell your hair."

Choosing to ignore the other bits, Emma groaned; "Regina, Gold is the one that is tak-"

"SHH!" Regina pushed herself up onto her feet and brought the pillow tight against her chest. "Let's find that throbbing thing. And then we can focus on my heart."

"Regina, we can't get Gold. He's in Zelena's storm cellar."

"I know where he is, but I was pretending to go on a treasure hunt Emma, don't you have any imagination? Oh, wait, I forgot, you were born out of true love — that doesn't exactly warrant imagination does it?"

"I am not arguing with you about that."

"Good because Gold would win."

"He's not even in on the conversation!"

A whine worked it's way up Regina's throat as her brows furrowed, even if she couldn't feel the sadness in her chest she could at least fake it for the sake of wanting her Rumple back. "Don't remind me! I'm in need of him like I am my heart and if he were here we wouldn't even have to have the conversation because we'd be banging so fucking hard against that portal to narnia." She pointed towards a door that no doubt lead to her bathroom. "Gold and I went to Narnia once, Emma, and let me tell you, it was phenomenal. You can fuck in the snow for so long that your limbs start to go numb. And then there's this row of piney things"

"Trees."

"Yeah those, I know what they are Emma. The word just wasn't there...they were pine trees Emma. Pine trees."

"Okay, I get it."

"We need to find my heart, so I can give it to Gold."

"Why would you give it to him, Regina? Zelena is holding him captive. If you give it to him, then she'll have your heart."

"So! Rumple won't let anything happen to my heart."

"This constant change from Gold to Rumple and back is really starting to confuse me."

"I'm drunk and I can keep up, Emma."

"See! I knew you knew that you were drunk."

"What? Don't use riddles with me. I hate tongue twisters unless of course Rumple is twisting my tongue."

"That doesn't even make sense."

"You lack imagination!" And with that a cloud of purple smoke surrounded them and Emma felt like she were having an out of body experience until the smoke cleared and they were in the middle of the road, not the street.

"Why are we here?"

"Damn it! My magic likes to play tricks on me when I drink. It might be an ingredient in the alcohol." Regina tightened her grip on the pillow in her hand.

"It's because you're drunk, Regina. How-How can you not see that? And why do you still have that pillow?"

"Because it's mine now and I am not drunk, Emma, stop speaking nonsense and blabbering or I won't be able to understand a thing you're saying."

"Regina, why are we-"

"Everything is Gold, Emma!" Regina leaped near her, gripping her by the lapels of her jacket and then knocking her out of the way as she dashed towards a post, wrapping her arms and legs around it, pillow snug firmly between her body and the wood. "Look at you, I knew you craved Rumple." During the moment of leaping and knocking; Emma had fallen against the asphalt - much to her disdain seeing as she was currently feeling the worst pain ever in her ass. And even though she wished it was metaphorical in terms of Regina, she knew that more than a bruise would form in the coming days. Slowly, she pushed herself onto her feet refusing to play this dark one version of the floor is lava all the while Regina was making out with the lamp post, moaning something along the lines of dark prince, devil angel, green cocky imp — She couldn't quite make it out

.At that second Snow and Charming exited Granny's diner, catching Emma in their sights they switched their direction towards their daughter, having not noticed the drunken former Evil Queen currently giving the post a run for it's money.

"Regina is drunk again." She explained, gesturing to the brunette currently mumbling something about an imp and his flexible scales. Emma really didn't want to think too much on that one. "I don't know wh-"

"Snowfluff and Charmingless!" Regina had removed herself from the -it's gold- post and walked up to the three of them standing in the middle of the road, again not the street.

"Regina."

"OH!" Regina exclaimed, bending forward just slightly and placing the palms of her hands on either side of Snow's engorged stomach. "Do you think I hid my heart in here? I think I might have, I could just reach in-"

"Regina!" Emma yelled giving the brunette a light tap on the head with her right hand. "Don't even think-"

"Of course it's not in there. Why in the hell would I hide it in Snowfluff body? That would be the most common place to hide it but I would like to just reach in and take her baby. My womb is absolutely useless to me after drinking that cum one time."

"Regina.." Emma groaned, not even wanting to attempt to comprehend that.

"I'm kidding! Duh! Cum can't make you Barron. Quite the contrary-"

"We know that." David stated blandly.

"But I wish it had been Rumple's cum I drank on that occaision instead of the potion. Can you imagine? The Evil Queen and Rumplestiltskin having a kid? It would be brilliant. I wonder if it would have been green. Or golden. Or whatever color his skin was back in the day."

"Regina, here. I need to talk to my parents could you entertain yourself for a few seconds." Emma handed the brunette her iPhone and motioned for her parents to step a little bit away from Regina, like that mattered though, she could probably hear anything said from miles away. "We need to get rid of all of the alcohol in town. We need to get someone to go to her house and pour it all down the drain. We need to get every bottle they sell and set-"

"Oh man! Zelena in porn looks nothing like Zelena.. I mean the Wicked Witch, you know? And she is giving it to these people so good. Dorothy has a red sparkly dildo! I want one. I want one with gold flecks though and scales please. Do you think Rumple could magic me a golden dildo? Or one with scales and gold specks?"

"Regina, no."

"Why do you watch Wizard of Oz porn anyway?"

"I don-"

"Yes you do. It was in your search results along with things like i kissed a pirate and i liked it but my baby daddy is gone should I be having silver hook sex fantasies.."

"I-" Emma glanced from her mother to her father and shook her head. "She's getting on my last nerve."

"Emmmmaaaaaa. I'm not in this porn, why am I not in this? I need to make some pornos. I can send them to everyone, oh my gosh, I need Gold to be in it with me and then you can all see what I mean. I'll follow him down a gold brick road. Bring myself to his oz and let him give me some red slippers until I scream that there's no place like Gold, there's no place like Gold."

"SHUT UP!" Emma cupped her hands over her ears, trying to think of happy thoughts only to have them filled with vulgar depictions of Regina and Gold in many different sexual positions all acting out Wizard of Oz roleplays. "Damn it!"

* * *

Hours later, Regina staggered down into the storm cellar at Zelena's farmhouse with a bottle of whiskey in tow. She stumbled up to the cage and wrenches it open, slipping in before shutting it back. "I've brought you whiskey." She practically hiccups because she's tried to drink as much alcohol as possible considering what Snow and Emma and David were talking about. "I need you to drink some of it then store it beneath that golden straw of yours. They are against me. The Charmingless family, even their savior daughter, they want to take away my alcohol my sweet prince, they want to keep it from me the way Zelena is keeping you from me and I've come here to tell you they can't. About the alcohol. And she can't. About Zelena. And why did you write that letter to Cora about that green ass witch who should look more like the wicked witch in the films and not the porns. I wonder if her ass is green too when her face is."

Gold gives her a look of 'what the fuck' as he tears the bottle from her hands, twists it open and begins swigging like his life depends on it.

"You're going to drink with me! YES YES YES! Funnnnn, funnn, yes baby drink it all up." Her body buzzed with excitement as she watched him drink, his Adam's apple bobbing, her core practically weeping. "Fuck me, fuck, we should fuck in here."

"We're not fucking in here." Gold hissed, handing the bottle back to the brunette and watching as she wrapped her lips along the rim, then flicked her tongue out to taste where his lips had been.

Sitting the bottle down, she walked over to where he sat, lifting up her pencil skirt enough so that she could bring her legs to either side of his and lower herself down on his lap. Her hands began to stroke his hair in a way that was sure to leave it a touselled mess for hours to come before she groaned. "Can we kiss then, my sweet and lovely king, my dark king, my evil imp, my my cane wielding broker or pawns. I'll be your pawn. I'm your pawn. I am. And I'll do anything, anything at all, just kiss me, please kiss me."

"What in Oz's HELL is this?!" Zelena belted out, the dark ones dagger raised as she flicked it in their direction. Gold wrapped a hand around Regina's throat, pulling her off of his lap and against the cage.

"Are you trying to turn me on or? Because him being all evil.." Regina tried to rasp out "...is fucking making me the exact opposite of the Sahara desert."

"Make her go away! SHe's no use to me unless she has her heart."

And with that a cloud of purple smoke engulfed Regina until she found herself laying in a bed that was not her own. Stretching, she splayed out her fingers and wiggled her toes. He had put her in his bed. HIS bed of all place, oh she couldn't have been happier if he had actually shown her the way off to meet the wizard! "YESSSSSSSSS!"

/./

BONUS: The Evil Fucking Queen!

With another task at killing Snow White thwarted, The Evil Queen found comfort in the one thing that wasn't her master, alcohol. She had downed more ale than any kingdom could even push through the gates by the time that a guard brought it two people that were without the shielding curse. "And who are these beggars?"

"I heard one use the name Emma Swan and the other is-"

"Captain Hook. Of course, I know him. Leave."

"Hook?"

"No, you dumbass. I don't need my guards here, I can do just fine on my own." Standing to her feet proved to be a bit difficult and slightly warranted her words before useless seeing as the guard rushed to her side to help her balance herself. The second she gained her composure, she shot Emma a look of 'fucking imbiciles' and with the flick of her wrist the guard burst into flames. "I LOVE a good self combustion when rodants don't listen to-" She hiccuped "-me."

Emma's eyes were as wide as saucers as she sidled over to Hook, arm brushing his. The Queen closed the gap between the three of them, managing to only stumble twice before gripping hold of Emma's neck and hissing out "I've heard you had a deal with my sexy golden imp. I heard he did something to you that allowed you to help Snowfluffer and let me tell you I don't like it one bit that he didn't tell me about it."

"What?" Killian asked taken aback.

"I want to know these things!" She brought her face so close to the blonde's that she could have bitten off her nose, and in some ways she wanted to do just that but there were more pressing matters at hand. "He's not answering my call so you will do it."

"Huh?" Emma struggled, fingers trying but failing to rid her neck of the Queen's iron clad grasp.

"Call him! I want to see him and he has been so distant lately and I hate it." She lifted the blonde's feet off of the floor, completely forgetting that the girl needed her voice in order to call her precious imp.

"Let go of her and we will."

Regina dropped Emma then, allowing her to bring herself back up off of the stone floor. Once Emma had gathered her bearings, Regina gripped her chin and brought the blonde's eyes level with her own. "Rumplestiltskin can do things that would even make metal dick over here quiver. I'm talking shiver your timbers. Hoist the sails. Aye, aye, Matey, and best of all Emma. Emma, look in my face, look in these eyes right now. He will make you want to swab the deck from dusk until dawn and when it's all over walking the plank has never felt so good."

"I really can't handle anymore drunken metaphors."

"Shut up!" She lifted her free hand and pressed it to the front of Emma's forehead, a glow slowly beginning to shine through as Regina closed her eyes. "I want to know who you are and why he finds you so important." That was when Emma felt it, the prodding at her brain that made her mind foggy and all that had happened within during their visit here began to dance behind her eyes as the Queen gained enlightenment. It was over within seconds and she put Emma back down on the floor. "He's going to marry his maid? I can convince him otherwise. I know it! I'm The Evil Fucking Queen! And by fucking,I really mean fucking because I fuck him as often as he allows and damnit, I am so fucking horny all of the fucking time! But who can blame me? Huh? Huh? Huh? He's perfect. He walks around looking like fucking rockstar expecting me not literally turn into a fucking waterfall between my legs. I'm not kidding, you should feel me right now, I'm fucking soaked just thinking about him."

"Rumplestiltskin!" Emma all but yelled, the sound more akin to someone being stabbed rather than someone in need of getting back home.

He appeared with a slight pop in the air around them, his leather clad frame adjusting to the castle within seconds as he clasped his fingers together in front of him. "She knows.." The imp said with a giggle once he saw the nod Emma had given him in response.

"It worked!" The Queen shouted, moving quickly along the stone floor, skirts bristling as she closed the space between her and the object of her affection. Gripping the hair at the back of his head, she pushed his face against her very prominent breasts and gave the other two onlookers a grin that all but screamed she had been dipping into the cookie jar. "My sweet prince, the apple of my eye, have you come to give me a taste of that dagger after all?"

Rumple didn't really seem to mind being this close to her bosom, having taken many glances during his time with his former apprentice, he mumbled a thing or two about how his nose had been cold anyway before she released him and shot him a look that begged he repeat himself. But instead he flicked his wrist and she was gone in a whirl of purple smoke. "I will need to dose her with a forgetting potion, but you two can now go back to your tasks..."

"Where did you send her?"

"My dungeons."

"Is-Wait a minute, it's true isn't it? All the shit she's been saying about her past and you and chains?"

"Whatever do you mean, dearie?" And before he could magic them off, Emma could have sworn she heard something about preferring shackles and how he needed to teach the queen a little lesson on how to control her intake. Emm inwardly hoped he meant alcohol intake and not something completely different.


	4. Chapter 4

Note: I do not own OUAT.

Also: THANK YOU to all who are leaving feedback on this! I am so glad it's causing laughter and the like.

Characters in this chapter: Emma, Gold, David, Regina

Sorry for the delay in this chapter. I fell ill for a bit there and wasn't able to write as much. Without further ado;

 **Season 4, Episode 11**

* * *

Emma slowed the bug down as something came into view, her eyes squinting at first then going wide at the realization. Regina was currently standing in the middle of the road, not the street, completely naked save for her red heels. "Fuck me." Emma pushed herself out of the vehicle and out into the cold night air, hand on her hip as she began to beg any and everything for the strength to make it through this once again. "Regina. What are you doing?"

The brunette whirled on the spot, her nudity catching the blondes eye momentarily before she brought her gaze up to the former evil queen's face. "Emma. Good, you're here. I hoped you would be. Listen, I need your help. I need more booze."

"No."

"Yes, the fate of my life depends on it." If it weren't for her current nudity, she would have possibly went onto believe it considering the serious tone of voice Regina was using. Shaking her head, she watched as Regina turned and got back to work on what she had been doing before Emma showed up. Hesitantly, Emma stepped closer and regretted it the moment she did. Regina was standing in the middle of some sort of drawn out shape lined with chalk, performing what looked to be a ritual of sorts or possibly just a magic spell for something.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm doing something that needs to be done, Emma. I'm doing the one thing that matters in this world." And with that she stood to her feet and plucked a strand of hair from her own head, then dropped it into the chalice in her hands. With the most serious expression on her face, Regina stated with dramatic flair. "I'm conjuring the Dark One."

"What?"

"I'm conjuring the dark one, Emma." And at that, Regina walked to the middle of the shape lined in chalk, raised the chalice and allowed the contents to coat her as she moved her free hand in some sort of motion Emma couldn't discern. The liquid that flowed from the item above the brunette's head began to soak the brunette in a glistening gold.

"Why don't you just go to him?" Emma thrust her had in the direction of Gold's shop.

"Because! Emma! He's holed up in that oversized gallery of shit with that bookworm of his and he can't even see straight, he's not thinking clearly."

"This isn't going to work, Regina."

"Don't act like you're some know it all now that you defeated that abominable snow bitch."

"I didn't defeat her, she sacrificed-"

"SHH! ... It doesn't make you an expert. Point blank."

Emma shifted on her feet, completely at a loss as to what to do. Someone could walk by. Anyone! So she did the only thing that had come to mind, she said "Someone could walk by, Regina. You're completely naked!"

"I'm wearing Gold, Emma! Not to mention.. I'm fucking Goddess. And everyone should practically be worshiping at my golden drizzled feet."

"I think that's a bit much."

"SHH! What do you know? As a matter of fact, no one cares. SHH."

And so Emma let her finish what she was doing, standing idly by while the brunette went about her work completely naked save for the gold coating her skin yet still leaving nothing covered enough to keep out of sight. Once done Regina huffed, hands falling to her sides wondering what she could have done wrong when it hit her. "I need to masturbate!"

"NO!"

"YES! Emma, Emma, Emma little Goldilocks, listen to me." She closed the gap between the two and took Emma by the arms, pulling her close enough to her body that made the blonde feel like she were going to get Gold on her clothing. "I need this. I NEED to make him see that he needs me and not that bookworm, do you understand? Because Emma, Emma, Emmaaa, if I don't - we're all going to die."

"What do you mean?" At this she actually worried Regina knew something she wasn't telling her. "Is Gold plotting something?"

"Yes."

"What is it, Regina?"

At that, the brunette released her hold on Emma and staggered back into the drawn graph on the asphalt. "He's going to try to leave with her. With that bookworm and if he does...I'll burn this entire fucking town down." Regina conjured a fireball. "So you see, Emma, I need him. I need him to realize he can't leave without me."

"Fuck."

"Exactly. Now shut up and let me masturbate." Regina flung the fireball away from her and up onto a stoplight, the thing burst into flames and sparks began to fall all around the summoning area where Regina was currently lowering herself in the middle of - starting to do something that just shouldn't be done in public.

"What is she doing?" Gold had exited his shop, seeing as they were right outside of it, eyes shooting from the blonde to the brunette in quick succession.

"Masturbating to conjure you. I guess it worked."

"It did! I told you, Emma! I told you!" The brunette stopped what she was doing, pushed herself onto her feet and stumbled her way against Gold, wrapping her arms around the back of his neck as she planted sloppy kisses along his cheek and temple.

"Shouldn't you be arresting her from public indecency as well as fornicating in a public place?"

"I should, yes."

"Then?"

"She just literally hurled a fireball at an unsuspecting traffic light and threatened to kill everyone if you leave town. Do you really think I was going to risk putting cuffs on her and bringing her downtown before she could finish her summoning spell and realize it wasn't going to work?"

"Yes."

"You don't know me very well, then." Emma said briskly, shoving her hands into the back pockets of her jeans.

Gold leaned away from Regina, placing a hand at the small of her back and allowing his eyes to dance over the gold coated skin before him. In all honesty, she did look ravishing. "Regina...why were you trying to summon me?"

"Because I heard that after the asscicle queen was vanquished that you still wanted to leave with that bookworm of yours and I just couldn't have it."

"Hmm." He glanced in Emma's direction, then back at his drunken former pupil. "Why would you be wasting your time summoning me when you could be searching for the going away present I left you?"

"You left me a present?" She perked up at that admission, hands gripping Gold's - now ruined - coat. "Where?"

"You'll have to find it."

He watched as the squealing brunette took off down the street in nothing but gold and her red heels, a chuckle bubbled up his chest as he ran his hand out in front of him, clearing away the gold that had smeared along his coat all in the shape of her breasts and much more.

"Did you really leave her a present?" Emma asked, almost hesitant to keep from doing so but the suspense was killing her.

"I believe I will take a note out of the good Queen's book this time, Miss Swan, and say shh."

/./

 **Bonus: Season 4, Episode 12.**

Shaking her head, Emma walked up to Regina who was currently half inside of Storybrooke and half out of Storybrooke, laying flat on her back on the asphalt. How that worked, Emma had no idea. "What are you doing, Regina?"

"I'm presenting my bottom half to Gold in an attempt to make his banishment a little less lonely."

"And?" Emma looked, along the town line unable to see anyone or anything apart from trees, an empty road and some birds. "He's not there, Regina. You can see that, surely."

"He could be using a cloaking spell."

"He's not."

"How would you know, Emma?"

"Because, I just do..."

"Liar!"

A second passed before Regina spoke up again; "Do you know what it's like to have sex with an invisible man?"

"No." Emma stated, not really wanting anymore metaphors.

"Me either." she shimmied her hips. "I have no idea what is taking him so long! I could pull down my skirt but I'm sure he'd like to pull it up. I'm not wearing any panties, Emma. I went through all of this trouble for him!"

Rolling her eyes, she bent at the waist and gripped Regina's coat, tugging her - all of her - over the town line. "This is ridiculous. You are drinking way too much lately."

"What do you expect? My prince, my green imp, my sweet cookie monster is over the town line in God knows where all by his lonesome, probably limping his way to some sex dungeon looking for me."

"What?"

"I could be there." The scowl Regina shot Emma almost caused her to double over.

"Okay, sure sure. You could be there."

"I could Emma!" Slowly the blonde pulled Regina onto her feet and began helping her back to the yellow bug. "I miss him, Emma. I miss him so much my body hurts and I can't stop the pain, I've tried. I need my prince, Emma and you have to help me find him. You have to help me entice him back and say I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what? It's not your fault."

"You're right, it's not. It's that damn bookworm of his. It's her fault."

"No. Calm down. Let's get you home so you can sober up." Emma practically tossed Regina into the backseat and slammed the door, set on bringing her home and letting her simmer down and sober up. What the fuck happened to their plan to rid the town of alcohol?

...

 _Some time later..._

Emma rushed up beside of the brunette currently hurling fireballs in the direction of a house. "What the fuck, Regina?! You were supposed to be sobering up!"

"There's no time for that, Savior. I have a bitch to burn."

"What?"

"Belle. I am cooking her house like the God awful steak it is and watching her castle burn to ash. I will have my revenge."

"Regina, you're not thinking clearly."

"I am! I am and I'm mad as hell. And not in the English way. I'm angry. I'm pissed. I'm livid." And with that she tossed two more fireballs in the direction of the blazing residence.

"Just step back a second.."

"Back off, Savior!" Only then did Emma's eyes catch on the item in the hand currently not occupied with roasting a house.

"What-What is that?"

"Have you never seen a dildo before?" Regina turned then, her eyes dark with anger as she thrust it in the direction of the blonde. "It's my gift. The one thing he left me and isn't it glorious! It's perfect and gold speckled and and-"

"Scaled?"

"Yes! Yes, of course it has scales Emma. And it's an exact replica in case you were wondering."

"I wasn't."

"Have you have ridden a dragon, Emma? Wait. Wait that doesn't fit here..." Regina brought bother hands to grasp the dildo, petting it in a strange manner. "Have you ever laid with a beast...grr. Wait that's Belle. Damn it!"

"It's okay, let's get you home, you've roasted the house."

"I have, haven't I?" The smile that crept up along Regina's lips could scare away village kids. Emma only nodded as she ushered her into the back of her bug then shot David a glance.

"What do I tell Archie? His house is fucked."

"Tell him we'll try to rally together and rebuild. She doesn't need to know she got the wrong house. And no one needs to know she did this. Or we'll have a modern day witch hunt on our hands."

David nodded, shooting a glare at the rear window in Emma's bug where Regina was currently performing fellatio on the replica of the Dark One's cock


	5. Chapter 5

Around episode 21. Season 5.

And you _knew_ this was coming. (pun intended)

* * *

Regina had come into Gold's shop looking for some of that magical booze he had kept back in The Enchanted Forest. Breaking in had been easy, locating the alcohol not so much. Which was why she was currently getting a _I'm going to kill you_ glare from her former mentor as he took in the mess currently strewn around his shop. The back was in shambles but the front was worse off, considering the chest of booze had been there and now it lay open with over five large bottles empty at her shoe-less feet and another two perched happily between her thighs where her skirt was currently riding up.

"What do you think you're doing?"

She began to move her feet from side to side, although her skirt wasn't giving her the right amount of room to keep them far apart for long. "'m drinking. Can you not see that?" With quick fingers she brought the bottle up to her lips, tongue skirting along the rim before she closed her lips around it with an exaggerated dramatic flair. "Want some?" Thrusting it then into the air, she watched as waved her off and went to stand behind the counter, eyes set on going through a few books to see if he could find a way of waking Belle without the true love kiss considering Belle's father wasn't willing to wake her and his kiss no longer worked.

"I'm going to tell you a story!"

"Please don't." He groaned, bringing a hand to his temple.

"I'm going to. I'm going to do it right now! And you will love it, you will love it like you used to love chasing those rabbits down holes. Right? Right? " She laid back on the floor, the chill a welcome sensation to her heated and flushed skin. And completely ignored the fact that she had asked a question to the object of her affections. "Once upon a time there was a golden imp man and he loved to stick his fingers into everything."

"Regina.." He knew where this was headed.

"So one day...he stuck his fingers into the trunk of a tree." Cackling with glee, she rolled along the floor like an out of water fish, trying but failing to get any friction to any specific part of her body. "..and so the first day you see, he felt something sticky and sweet.. so he wiggled them about but nothing could he feel."

"mmhmm." He was barely paying attention to her and focusing more on the matters at hand and not her over stimulated libido.

"When he brought those fingers up to his lips, he licked them and was surprised to find it tasted of crisp apples! Well, that made him happy. So the second day he came back-" She took a moment to take a drink of the alcohol, eyes fluttering closed as she swallowed the delicious nectar. "..he stuck his fingers into the tree once more, this time he felt something trickle along the digits and when he pulled them out and brought them to his lips, they tasted of sweet caramel. The third day, he thrust his fingers into the tree trunk but this time those same digits were engulfed by warmth of the most sinful."

Gold wavered a moment, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, trying to ignore the story because this was headed to exactly the point he knew it would. In fact, he had told her something like this back in The Enchanted Forest one night when she had been his apprentice. That night had been- his mind went elsewhere, remembering the soft ivory skin and sweet sounds of Regina as he- no. Clearing his throat he glanced up at her, waiting for the story to reach it's _climax_.

"He wiggled them to find that this time they met something, something silky smooth and when he pulled them out, they had the loveliest sheen of moisture coating the skin. Instantly, he brought them back in noticing how the surrounding would clench each time he pumped the fingers, what is it? He asked out loud into the night. At that he heard a moan coming from within the trunk and the faster his fingers went, the louder the sound. This man was growing uncomfortable in his breeches and so he used his free hand to free himself, allowing the night wind to caress his heated flesh."

"Regina.."

"What? Don't want me to continue?" This time she had rolled over onto her back and shot him a look that oozed lust, her chest rising and falling rapidly as she sucked in cool air into her heated frame. "I may act like this when I'm drunk, my sweet dark prince, but it's only because my body can't handle the feelings when I'm loosened up, all soft and pliable like this.." A hand went to her thighs and Gold found that he couldn't pull his eyes away this time, having been tugged in the direction by the damn memory of corrupting a sweet apprentice. "...let me finish my story, Gold." Her voice was a whine, like the ones she used when holding onto his leg but for some reason it sounded more like honey in his ears.

"Do something better with that mouth of yours."

"Are yo-Wait really? Really? You mean it? You're not just saying that to make me excited? You mean it? Becauseifyoudomybeautifulsweetgreenman iwillbesoveryhappyanddosomethingsonicewithmymouthimeanit"

"Offer expires quicker, the more you talk."

And with that, Regina pushed herself up onto trembling legs and bounded around the counter - quickly taking to her knees and waiting, eagerly, as she bounced where she sat. It didn't take long for Gold to pull himself out of his trousers and push slowly into the warmth of Regina's mouth, a hand in her hair. Being drunk made the movements of her tongue and mouth erratic, almost too eager and yet he allowed her to do as she thought - in her inebriated state - was best.

With the flick of his wrist the mess was cleared away and it was as if she had never broken into his pawnshop in the first place. Not a second later and in strode Emma, Snow and Charming. All with a look of _this was my last resort_ on their faces. And as they all begin to talk at once, Gold finds it slightly difficult to discern what they were going on about, but at the mention of a magical relic - he conjures it up and the look on their features begins to fade into something skeptic.

"Why was that so easy?" Emma asks, arms crossing in front of her chest.

"I'm not sure. What's wrong with you today?" Charming asks, brow raised.

"And what are we going to have to give you in return?" Snow huffs out.

In that instant Regina reaches into his pants and grips his balls at the same time she takes in almost every inch of his length, sucking relentlessly. He knees start to tremble, brows furrow and no - his mouth was not twitching nor was his breathing picking up at the same time. It wasn't! "M-Magic always c-c-comes with a price." Was all he could mutter, his thoughts completely draining from the recesses of his mind as he gripped her hair, causing the company in the shop to glance hesitantly over the counter at the same second a guttural noise left Gold's throat and his body jerked, tongue snaking out to coat his lips in a sheen of moisture and the raised shoulders he always seemed to have was now slumped over.

Regina practically licked him clean, swallowed everything he shot into her throat with an eagerness that would shame the devil, then stood to her feet, fingers wiping at the edges of her mouth. The alcohol still coursing through her frame, she shot everyone a look of _you knew this would happen, come on!_ and then she said it "You knew this would happen, come on! It's not like it's news or something. I fucking crave him like Eve did that apple and if he isn't the serpent to tease me - I don't know what is. I mean come on, who would say no to this man? My beautiful fucking prince, my imp, my-" She went to caress his hair and he just waved her hand away, still trying to come back from having been sucked dry in a manner he hadn't had since - well since The Enchanted Forest.

But he couldn't let everyone remember this encounter. This type of ammo would be best hidden, he decided and flicked his wrist, causing everyone to freeze on the spot - save for Regina.

"Oooh, fun! What are we going to do? Fuck while they are standing there watching or?"

"No. You're going home. I'm erasing this little tryst from their minds."

"Whyyyy? I thought it would be fun for them to know. To see! They needed to come in earlier so they could see the size of that...serpent in your pants."

"Regina." He warned, a dark expression forming on his features.

"Yes my boy? My king. My prince. My evil little devil. My imp. My-"

"Regina."

"What?"

"Go home."

When she began to throw a little drunk tantrum, he used his magic to wisp her away to her manor so he could attend to the matter at hand. The last thing he needed was anyone here to remember his moment of weakness, or worse yet tell Belle about it.


	6. Chapter 6

Meanwhile in Storybrooke during the Evil Queen's reign of terror... season 6.

XD

* * *

"I know, Dad, I know. Just don't let him get hurt. I don't want to have to rush to the hospital because Hook impaled himself on your sword." At the expressive voice echoing from the phone, Emma noticed her error and blushed as well as cringed at the thought. "I'm sorry, Dad. Of course I didn't mean that. Gross. You two just shouldn't sword fight, he only has one hand."

With another quick apology, she ended the call and tossed the phone into the passengers seat. Why, with all of the phrases she could have used, did she have to utter that one? She wouldn't be able to look at Killian for a week now without picturing... "What the fuck!"

The sight before her caused her to slam on the breaks, body jolting against her steering wheel. Currently Regina and her evil half were standing in the middle of the road, not the street, and arguing so loudly she could hear it over the sound of her speakers.

A fireball was currently floating in both of their hands all the while a ruffled Gold was standing in between the twins, hands out stretched. Within seconds, he ducked, and both fireballs went to the buildings opposite them — Luckily none were Gold's pawnshop otherwise the blonde could have guessed he would have skinned them alive.

Slipping from the confines of her car, she began to try and raise her voice above theirs "What the FUCK is going on here?"

"It's Emma!" Regina chimed; her feet hopping just a couple of cementers from the ground as she caught sight of the blonde walking towards them.

"Savior." The Evil Queen hissed, rolling her eyes at the jubilant display Regina was currently putting on.

"Their both drunk." Gold sighed, hands falling to his sides as he straightened back up, eyes flicking from one to the other.

"I didn't know they had a drinking problem."

"Oh you did, Gold just took that from you. I remember the day with such clarity." Queen admitted, eyes glazing over as if in deep thought on it.

"No you don't! That was me and him, not you and him." Regina whined. "Tell her, baby, tell her my sweet dark prince."

Gold opened his mouth, to no avail, seeing as her darker half spoke up before he could get a word in.

"I still have all of our memories even if it wasn't fully me. Though the technique was reminiscent of mine. The way I held him in my mouth with just the right amount of pressure against his throbbing-"

"No, it wasn't." The former mayor; hissed.

"Yes, it was!" The former Queen; growled.

The fireballs formed again and Emma let out a beast like sound, hands in the air, trying to stop them from setting the entire town ablaze. "HEY! Listen. Why the fuck are you two fighting about this? And when did you blow Gold, Regina? I thought you two never acted on any of your—you know—chemistry?"

"Oh, yes, absolutely, all the fucking time, we did. Well in the Enchanted Forest. Since then it's been a not-so-often thing, but anyway... I lied. Isn't that obvious? Emma? Huh? Huh? Isn't it?"

"No, it's not obvious!" Emma screamed, regardless of how close she was now to Gold and the two doppelgängers.

"Mm, remember that time he used his 'please' on us and we practically began dripping at the thought that he really meant it...then he did mean it and he fucked us so hard against his desk...oh God, I remember how sore we were in the week following..."

Gold shifted where he stood, hands clasping in front of himself as he eyed Emma's reaction, which was more akin to shock than desire. He would have preferred the latter. Seeing anyone get aroused over him bringing the Queen to shaking legs made him beam with pride. Then again, he had made that monster himself, pushing and guiding her..fucking her into oblivion.

"Okay, shut up." Emma finally spoke up, swallowing hard as her stomach began to churn. Why the fuck did she have to deal with both of these women? Why not just one? From her memory, she had never seen Regina talking so candidly about something this odd; Gold and her... Shaking her head as if it would cause the images to fall out of her ears, she began to speak in a calm voice. "Can you two just part, go your separate ways and stop trying to set the town on fire?"

"No! We need to settle this." Regina whined, stomping her foot against the ground in what looked to be the most short lived tantrum known to humankind. "And now!"

"She's right, savior. Get your blonde ass out of here and go hook yourself onto your pirate."

"First off, descent pun. Second off... What are you two needing to settle?"

"You fool. Who he's going to come inside. What else would we fight over?"

The Queen seemed to have an more calm air to her when drunk, which Emma would have liked if it weren't for the terror she had been putting them all under the entire time she's been here. "Why don't you two just let him pull out and come ON both of you?" Wait? What was she saying? Why was she helping them?

"That's what I offered. They shot me down." Gold shrugged, for some reason allowing himself to indulge on the matter for a short time — at least until they bored him.

"Like a Golden shower?" Regina chimed up, the alcohol causing her to sway on the spot.

"That's piss play, Regina." Emma shot in the direction of the former mayor.

"Actually, it's urolagnia. Do not kink shame, Emma. Especially when we know where your kinks are with that hooked pirate of yours. Also, you forget, he knew my Mother long before he knew you." The Queen was a logical drunk, it seemed, which only proved to get beneath Emma's skin.

"Why the fuck are you so calm?" Emma closed the gap between her and the Queen, only to take a few steps back when she reared back her hand, fireball in tow.

"I'm not calm, Swan, my hormones are raging like an erupting volcano and it's taking everything inside of the damn body of mine to fight not jumping onto Gold and riding him until I can't see, smell, taste or feel anything other than his, should very much be golden, prick."

"Oookay. Can you put that out?" The blonde thrust a finger in the direction of the fireball, which seconds afterwards was hurled at her beetle, luckily missing it by a few inches.

Emma let out a huff of relief. "Thank God you missed it."

"Do you want me to aim for your head and see if I miss it then?"

"No! God no!" Emma clasped her fingers in her hair, imagining it flaming up and burning.

"Why is my house on fire?!" Archie yelled out into the chilled air, hands coming up to his cheeks as he looked at the burning home nearest the evil Queen. Then again, the second he caught her lip start to twitch up, he took off in a sprint down the street, not the road, and began yelling at the top of his lungs "SHE'S GOING TO KILL ME, SHE'S GOING TO KILL ME! THE EVIL QUEEN IS GOING TO KILL ME! SHE BURNED DOWN MY HOUSE!"

At that the darker half of Regina bent forward and began cackling in a manner that was a bit off putting and yet by the end of it, she was snorting and Emma couldn't help but join in as Regina soon followed. Gold, however, stood there like a statue with his face as smooth as marble. Not one twitch or indication that he found the situation the least bit amusing. "Come on, Gold, don't be a ... a... what word am I looking for?"

"Sour puss?" Regina and The Queen chimed in, as a new fit of giggles wracked all three of their frames.

Gold lifted his hands and within the blink of an eye, a plume of purple smoke appeared and he was gone, having grown bored of the conversation.

* * *

Two weeks later.

"He locked us out! Emma, Emma, listen to me, Emma, he did, he locked us out and we need you." Regina's voice jolted Emma from the warmth she had been in before; her pirate's arms. "You have the keys and I don't feel like finding them in the mess of your house or the clothes on your floor. Emma, Emma.. emmmmmaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-"

"What the fuck? How did you get in here?" Emma pushed herself up, elbowing Hook to get his hands off of her while they had company — which even if he groaned and mumbled his protests, he did. "Get out. Now!"

"We can't get into his shop." Both Regina and her doppelgänger were standing in the bedroom, looking defeated, and rather unkempt. "He put up a magical thingy and locked the door and now we are locked out. We want to see him, we want to tell him what we had in mind and what agreement we came to."

"Tell him tomorrow when he walks to his shop." Emma pointed out the obvious.

"What if he sleeps in there?"

"He has to leave at some point to face his pregnant wife."

"That bitch. I should have flayed her when I had the chance." Regina hissed, hands clenching while the Evil Queen nodded profusely.

"You think? At least I had the guts to trap her in a tower."

"You did?"

"Yes, I did."

"Fair. That was you. He's pissed about that by the way."

"Still eats me out like I'm the best buffet he's ever had."

"Nice!" Regina's change from weeks prior made Emma's head spin.

"You two seem to be getting along now."

"We are. You could say we..." The Evil Queen eyed her doppelgänger, then reached a hand out to caress her chin before finishing her sentence. "...learned how to love each other and accept that he can come inside of us in turns. One fuck, me, next fuck, her, and I get to lick her as much as I want...while Gold pounds away deep inside of me..."

"There goes my erection." Hook pushed himself off of the bed, forgetting that he was lacking any trousers, appearing anxious before snagging himself on the edge of the sheet and taking a tumble. The Evil Queen of course stepped back so that the floor could catch his fall.

"I would guess you would be rock hard thinking about the crocodile. All sexy, sweaty, grunting and moaning away."

"Not in the slightest, love."

Regina giggled along with her counterpart, both refusing to believe him.

"Leave Killian alone. How about you two go outside, wait by my car and I'll be there in..a bit?"

"If you want an orgasm, Emma, you could just ask and I'll-" The Evil Queen held up her hands before Emma quickly protested, causing the doppelgänger to lower it instantly. "Suit yourself."

Regina and the Evil Queen both retreated to Emma's car, where they waited patiently. Meanwhile, the savior phoned Gold and told him about, practically begging him to help her with the two trouble makers. In which he politely replied "Have fun." Before the line dropped and Emma screamed so loud she was sure she would wake up the neighbors in her fits of anger.

WHY COULDN'T HE TAKE CARE OF THE TWO OVERLY HORNY WOMEN?! They wanted him! That's it!

Not to practically cock block her.

An idea hit her like warm chocolate in her mouth and she rose to her feet, pulling on one of Killian's shirts before grabbing the keys she had and heading downstairs. Turns out that the one thing Gold made sure of was that Regina didn't have a key to his shop or his house, however, those two keys were instead added to the ring that the sheriff kept seeing as Emma was good and not nearly as annoying as a drunk Regina or Queen.

Outside, she tossed the ring to the two of them and shrugged her shoulders "Knock yourselves out. Also, learn how to break a shield when you're drunk. I know you know how when you're sober." The two brunettes nodded before being engulfed by a plume of purple smoke. Emma felt proud of herself. Fuck that pawnbroker if he wouldn't help her. He could deal with their whining and burning down the town. Meanwhile, she would deal with a very (hopefully still) horny and upset (not so much) pirate who needed some release.


	7. Chapter 7

Sadly, we're wrapping this one up. There's three bonuses, two of which are a little festive.. XD

This one is bit smutty. Also a glimpse at how it all started in the last Bonus. Enjoy!

Thank you to everyone who has followed me this far down the proverbial rabbit hole, here's to all of the drinkers who can handle their booze a little better than our lovely lovely Queen. *raises whisky in a toast*

* * *

 **Season 7; During episode 8 - after Weaver leaves the bar .**

Music boomed from the speakers within the bar and Roni, actually, Regina whined as she leaned her body against the bar top, face pressing hard against the cold surface, fingers wrapped around the glass that had long lost the heat from Rumple's fingers. She had ran her tongue all over where his mouth had been after having more than a few whiskey's herself. The empty bottle near her face was no indication as to how much she had drank.

And _especially_ not the other empty bottle in the trash bin.

"He's going to make me go this alone. He will. That evil devil with the sexy and dark beautiful eyes. The ones that belong to my dark prince, my gold, my my..." Huffing out a sigh, she pressed the glass to her lips and allowed her tongue to brush against the cold surface before pulling it away from her mouth. "Evil evil imp man. I fucking you love you, you know that? So fucking much...you...you devil, you gorgeous handsome devil..."

The instinct to hop up onto the bar surged through her like a wave of lava and fuck everything, she gave in. Hopping up onto the cold surface, spreading her legs enough so that her groin was against it as she moved her hips, arms gripping the sides of the arm to pull and tug her like she had done back home. Back on that couch in Snow's place.

Jacinda walks in then, having forgotten her phone at work when she catches Roni on the throws of some sort of mental breakdown, or at least that is what she's guessing. "Roni?"

"Oh? So you're my new Emma?" She asks, turning over onto her side and reaching a hand out.

"Who's Emma, Roni?" Jacinda steps hesitantly closer to the bar, one foot before the other and yet the look on her face seems as if she thinks Roni might launch at her like a cat. From the way Roni is scowling, it might be true, so she stops before stepping any closer. "Are you...Drunk?" The stink of whiskey is heavy in the air and the object of Henry's affection places her hands on her own hips and gives her boss a look she used to give Lucy when she had done something bad — like draw on the walls with permanent markers. "Well, let's get you home."

"Can you get me to Rumple's instead?" She asks, as she takes Jacinda's hand and stumbles off of the bar top, feet and legs not doing what she intended them to as the receptors in her brain went off in the wrong spots. "I mean, I mean Weaver. Not Rumple. He's not a sexy spinner man. don't think that. It's not what I mean. Not at all. Do you hear me? Do you? Do you Jacinda?"

"I hear ya." Jacinda takes most of Roni's weight off of her as she helps her out of the bar and onto the street. "Where do you live?"

"Oh yeah, you're my Emma." Regina smacks a hand semi-soft against the other woman's cheek before leading her head against it, a smile plastered on her lips. "I live in Storybrooke. I live in the best place on the planet where bunnies talk and flowers bloom and mushrooms summon wizards and not a fantastic high. Then again...I've only ever tried that once and it didn't work. Maybe it wasn't the right shroom..." A finger went to her temple as she gave it a tap. "I need weaver..."

"Why do you need Weaver?"

"Because it's happy hour and I need him. Take me to him. Take me to him my beautiful Cinderella, without the glass slipper because of the evil wicked step witch. Please. Please. Take me to him."

"I might lose my job, but you need to stop hitting the bottle so hard you start thinking we're fairytale creatures."

"Cinderella isn't a creature, silly goose. Rumplestiltskin is, a sexy one. A really really sexy creature..."

"Roni...I think you're imagining a much different character than the one in the stories."

"Oh yes, I'm thinking of the real one. NOW TAKE ME TO WEAVER" Her eyes were wide as she reared her head back and looked Jacinda right in the eyes, hands gripping the woman's chin. "PLEASE! Pretty pretty please Jacccciiii. I need it. I need him. I have to have him. He's such a sexy detective, he does things, Jacinda, he does things I should not be telling the wife of my son, but I promise you he knows how to spin if you know what I mean. He knows how to spin everything into gold and let me tell you about the rabbit hole and charming..."

"I don't think I want to-"

"Shush! I'm guessing you're not Emma number two because that would be weird, so I'll call you...I'll call you...Henry's princess. Wait too much of a mouthful. I'll just say Jaci. I'll call you Inda. No Jaci. Jaci. Jace. J. Joker. Jester. Oh, Jacinda, I am in love with a jester. I love Rumple so fucking much. My body needs him, it craves him. SO BAD."

"I'm so confused. And yet oddly having the urge to not allow you anywhere near Weaver with you like this. I don't think working at a bar is so great either, for you, I mean...Is this a common thing? You getting drunk like this?"

"Very. Especially when Weaver utters the words...the only thing we've shared are a few happy hours and then leaves without giving me any of those happy hours. I thought we could team up. And I don't just mean bodily, Jaci, I mean in every way. He needs me, I need him and we're so lost when we're apart."

"That's a bit mushy." Jacinda added, torn between getting her a hotel room or taking her back to her apartment. The last thing she wanted was for Lucy to hear this kind of talk or see a very drunk Roni. Wait. Oh shit.

Roni had caught sight of Weaver placing a ticket on some unsuspecting car and was currently running towards him at a sprint. "Roni!" Jacinda called out, hands out stretched as she watched Roni practically fall onto her feet then crawl the rest of the way towards the detective. Was this going to end in her getting arrested? "I am so sorry, detective." Jacinda apologized, trying but failing to get a grasp on Regina's jacket, as she was currently swatting her hands away from her.

"Is she?" His brows raised as he thrust a finger down towards the woman currently rubbing her head dangerously close to his crotch.

"She is. Very." Jacinda winced when the detective hissed, Roni had indeed brushed up against his crotch. God this was embarrassing. "I'll take her somewhere...I'm sorry.." She again tried to retrieve her boss, but failed.

"It's alright. I have got this. You can go home."

"Are you sure? She's..a mess.."

"Oh yes. I have it."

Nodding, Jacinda watched as the detective yanked her boss onto her feet and began to guide her in the direction of the police station. At least she could sober up in a cell tonight and then face the morning, hopefully a lot easier than she did the night.

* * *

 **BONUS: Inside of the station.**

"Do you know why you're in here..." Weaver pressed his fingers into the circles of a pair of handcuffs sitting on the top of the table as he looked across at a fidgeting Regina. Oh yes, he knew who she was and he knew who he was too.

"Come on, you have to remember, you have to remember, Rumple. My baby, my sweet prince, my handsome devil, my—fuck me, come on, remember." She whined, shimmying in her seat. "Remember the time we were on the ship to Neverland and I had too much rum and you tied me to one of the banister thingies?" He didn't answer, nor did his expression give way to any indication that he knew what the fuck she was talking about. "How about that time I tried to summon you and it actually fucking worked? I was naked, you told me to go find your gift?" Again, not one sign. "What about the gift you left me. The wonderful dildo modeled after your cock, your REAL cock, not the human one but the one that was so delicious and perfect...not that your human one isn't, I love it just as much.." Again nothing.

Sighing, she laid her head atop the cold surface of the table, pretending it was his groin as she rubbed her cheek against it, then spoke again - "How about the time I took you into my mouth, so hard and warm and delicious and you came so hard down my throat, so hard I thought I wouldn't be able to keep it all in my mouth, but I did, I did and I swallowed it, all of it ..Rumple.." Glancing up, she watched as his head tilted and he fixed her with a gaze that could melt any fucking snow away on the ground or on the entire planet. "...Or the time you and my evil persona fucked until your pawnshop was a mess..and I was sore, so sore and still you and me...we slipped off to your bed, alone, and we fucked until the sun went down and came up and no one knew where we had gone. No one knew how good you felt inside of me, how I called your name over and over again until my throat was sore..."

The second he stood, Regina did too and he placed a hand around her throat, slowly backing her up against the wall, eyes as dark as night — lust filled; Regina hoped. "Is THIS what YOU want?" Dipping his head,his face only centimeters from hers as his breath fanned out along her skin, lips twitching as they pulled back to reveal his teeth. "To know I want you? Is that it?"

"Yes!" She almost screamed, the ache between her legs becoming far too unbearable. "Yes, my sexy imp, my green man, my prince, my Clark Kent or no no my goblin? My something, just fucking give it to me, please, please.."

"Hmm.." He pressed his groin against her, the bulge apparent as a sigh escaped his lips at the contact. "Roni, if you wanted me tonight..you didn't need to get hammered.. without me.

"You're not Weaver!" She exclaimed, pushing at his chest, he staggered back just an inch or two, and missed her hand that had flown in his direction, slapping him right across his face. "Wake the fuck up."

He threw himself at her, pinning her against the wall as his lips claimed her neck, nipping and biting and sucking at skin that called to him, his hands pulling at her shirt and ripping it until he could see more, more skin, more everything.

"Oh fuck it. Keep going, keep going, Weaver, yes! I know it's you, I know it is, you don't have to admit it, but as long as you fuck me like you're my Rumple, you can fuck me as hard and as long as you want, and I'll fucking call you anything. Anything at all!"

And she did. She called him a slew of things as he fucked her hard against the wall, the table, the floor and when anyone came in, he practically growled at them without so much as looking up or removing himself from her perfect, delectable heat, regardless of what she called him because names weren't needed, no, what was needed was the ground splitting, earth shattering and mind numbing orgasms that wracked their brains throughout the night.

By morning; she would be ready to set out to get the help she needed. But tonight, tonight, she could lose herself in what she truly needed more than anything — the one man who could make her scream louder than any banshee in the Enchanted Forest. The poor employees of the station. The poor passers by. The poor city. Because she would not keep her voice down. Ever. So long as he pounded away at her like he used to in her dungeons. In his dungeons. In any dungeon.

* * *

 **BONUS: Deck the motherfucking Halls.**

"Deck the motherfucking halls with...what was it?" Regina whirled around as she threw a bobble in the direction of a huntsman, who practically threw himself aside to avoid the object. "Oh you mouse." And with the flick of her wrist, he was just that, a mouse on the ground scurrying off in the distance. The Evil Queen had been on edge lately, knowing that Snow was off having some fairytale Christmas with her Charmingless prince while she sat here, alone, in her castle. And no — Huntsmen do not count.

She had drank more alcohol that her body could even hold. If the decorations around the castle couldn't give it away with it's odd choices of hearts and dildos streaming from the rafters — then the empty bottles all along the feast hall would sure as hell do it.

"Tsk, tsk, tsk." A voice jolted her, whirling on the spot she locked eyes with the object of her affection. "Drinking again, dearie. How very un-Queen like..."

"Everything I do is.." She hiccuped, trying but failing to get her skirts away from her feet as she headed towards him, tripping and falling into his arms. "...is like a Queen. Let go of me." She pushed him away, an ache pinging in her heart as she did so. The pain caused her to grip him by the lapels of his jacket and pull him close, head against her bosom as her fingers carded through his hair. "I didn't mean it, never let go of me."

"Jack?" He giggled, remembering some film that he had watched that belonged in a world far from here. Somehow, someone had gotten hold of it and bargained it for trade. A nice little thing, lacking of magic, but much much water could be seen. Very nice, very nice indeed. He would much like to dip a toe or two in a vast ocean as big without monsters to lash out and rip you to the bottom of it. Though the boat, he would prefer not to run smack dab into an iceberg.

"I don't know what you're talking about, but sure, you can invite this jack to our bed."

"Oh no, no no. Long dead and gone, my dear." Rumple giggled again, rubbing his face against the soft flesh she had thrust his head against. "And is a character of something they call a- oh never mind. If you'll kindly allow me to stand. I've brought you a gift!"

"A gift?" She pushed him away from her bosom, hand dipping to rub against the warmth he had left behind. "What gift?"

"Close your eyes." His hands twiddled in her direction and she did as he asked. Slowly, he made his way behind her and with precision, pulled a necklace out of thin air. Gold with red blood drop rubies, all in an intricate design made to accentuate those wonderful assets she held beneath that corset. He slowly put it around her neck, clasping it in the back and then running his hands around the front to where the blood drop rubies were dangling nearest her bosom. "Open them, Regina."

She did and caught the vision in her tall looking glass ahead of her, a smile playing on her wet lips. "Thank you, thank you." Turning she wrapped her arms around him, mouth planting chaste kisses along his chest and up his neck, to his jaw.

"Dearie." He held up a hand, then pointed to the floor. Regina glanced down and then fell to her feet, placing kisses along his pointed shoes as quickly as possible. "Not that." Sighing, he flicked his wrist and a cloud of smoke engulfed them both until they were in her dungeon. Him, standing in the middle of the room, while Regina was shackled to the wall, naked — apart from the necklace.

"Really? Oh yes, yes yes yes, do your worst." She growled, lust filling her eyes.

"I intend to. All night long. And you'll scream until the sun rises over those pearly white dusted hills."

* * *

 **BONUS: I saw Santa...**

She saw it. Clear as day. That much she knew. Gasping, she gripped the fabric of her chemise and bounded down the stairs of Rumplestiltskin's castle. She had broken into his alcohol cabinet, told to go to bed to sober up and never did. "Rumple! Rumple! Rumple! Rumple! Rumple!" His name left her lips with each two steps she took. "Rumple, Rumple, Rumple, Ruuuumm, Rummpleee, Rumple!" They had been doing some lesson earlier, when he had left her alone, that was when she took the opportunity to break into the booze and down everything in sight. Today was the day that marked the death of one of her favorite horses, Hwin. The mother to her Rocinate. Cora had crushed her heart for giving Regina the scar on her lip. Therefore, drinking had been in order.

"What are you squeaking about?" Rumplestiltskin materialized out of a plume of purple smoke in front of her, shamefully she had collided right into him, sending them both to the ground. "Regina..weren't you supposed to sleep this off?"

"I saw him!" She sat up, straddling his lap, hands gripping at the crocodile texture of his coat. "I saw him, Rumplestiltskin! I saw him in the sky, with my own two eyes!"

"Saw whom, dearie?" Even if she were writhing now, legs on either side of his flanks, he tried to focus on her words and not the growing erection beneath his breeches.

"Santa! I saw the guy right in the sky, on his sled, or sleigh, that! With the deer! The glowing red nose, the everything! I saw it, Rumple, I saw it! I've never seen Santa before my whole life. I've never thought he existed!" A warm sensation was spreading through her limbs as she rocked against him in her excitement and then her hips rolled, trying to see what other sensations she could feel.."Oh...And do you think he'll visit us? D-do you think he'll..." Regina's mouth fell open as that sensation she felt continued on. "...I...I'm vibrating.."

"Throbbing.." Rumple stammered, hands reaching for her hips as he allowed her enough room to keep going, to keep moving atop him as if their lives depended on it. "Why do you harbor such notions as Santa Clause? You're a Queen, Regina...with a.." The words stuck in his throat as she let out the most sinful of whimpers. "..a husband..the King..." Oh this was delightful! The Queen, Regina, young and fair riding atop him as if he were her every whimsical desire. "..do you like this feeling?"

"I've never...I've...Only when.." Her words were mere fragments of thought as she tried to grasp the tingling surging along her skin, down to the very throbbing bud between her legs. "Hmmmm..." And within seconds, he whirled them over, eyes washing along her frame, the chemise that had rumbled... how ironic.

"Regina, you're drunk, you should go to bed."

"Just keep moving against me...please.." She begged, wrapping her legs around his waist, encouraging him and he did, he moved against her slow at first, hesitant, and then rougher, more desperate. "...yes...yes..please..oh God...oh yes, Rumple...my sinful prince, my dark imp, my my my my my my..." The noise that echoed off of the walls around them caused his own hips to jerk as he felt his trousers dampen with his cum.

"You claimed...you saw Santa?" He asked as he brushed a few stray hairs away from her glowing skin. "Where?"

"Does it matter?" She asked, a tone as innocent as ever as she cupped his face in her hands and pulled it closer to her, breath brushing along his skin in a whisper as she spoke, so soft he scarcely could believe he heard it. "..I've been a bad bad girl...I'll likely get coal with how much I've been craving this, craving you..."

He could feel the magic coursing from her skin, daring to cause the treacherous appendage in his loins to spring for more. Oh this would be the beginning of many many delicious moments. Chains, shackles...him buried deep into her to the hilt. A giggle rose from his chest as he claimed his apprentice with more passion than he ever thought he could convey in a kiss alone.


End file.
